?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Here's to those who wish us well [entries|friends|calendar]
haener30

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Girls lie, too... [Thursday 10-12-06 8:25pm]
...unfortunately, or fortunately, however you view it... i don't want to be one of them.

okay, so i guess i just deal with the feelings that i'm feeling right now. i don't really know how to explain them to george. he just keeps getting upset and not understanding me. i have been on his schedule for quite some time. regardless of whether or not he wanted me to change myself for him, i have. i think that i have given up a great deal of things to be with him. this isn't some sort of thing that i'm saying so that he will feel like i'm giving him a guilt trip. these are all things that i am so completely happy to have given him because he means that much to me. last night i found a lot of porn sites on the history in the computer and when i confronted him he freaked out. i don't know why he freaked out. i asked normal questions. i wasn't a bitch about it. and as it turned out, he didn't even look at these porn sites, but he had to defend the fact that in his life it's probably something that he is going to want to do. but, nonetheless, i tried to be the good girlfriend and wait until he got home from work but he wouldn't let me. i wanted him to have a good night at work and just not worry about it. i didn't want him to think that it was anything major. i really didn't want to worry him. he made me tell him about it as soon as i mentioned it. i really didn't want to. but whatever. so anyway, i told him what the problem was while he was at work. he decided that he didn't want to talk about it. so i told him to wake me up when he got home from work and we would talk about it. when he got home, i was sleeping. needless to say the speech that i had written in my head that had sounded sooo good, had completely escaped my brain. i couldn't really have a logical conversation considering i had just woken up, so i just told him we'd talk about it in the morning. well, he was not a loving person. he didn't cuddle with me. no kisses like usual. no nothing. he completely hurt my feelings. so not only was i hurt by this porn thing, i was also hurt by the fact that he didn't want to love me. i'm not placing blame, but he wasn't the one who was mad at me, i was mad at him. and i think that if he would have loved on me a little bit, and really used sweet words when he was talking to me, things would have been a lot better. they weren't though. i'm living with that.

i am coming to the conclusion that my idea of a relationship is different than that of most people. i love my boyfriend dearly, too much at times i think. i think that a relationship is love. love is something that you feel with ONE person. love incorporates a lot of things... those things mainly being; trust, happiness, laughter, and monogamy in it's truest form between those TWO people. which is why i'm always like, when i get married and when i live with someone, our bedroom will be private. because no one else should know that part of us. we shouldn't know that part of other people. it's part of a relationship. a relationship to me is a commitment that there is no one else. so if there is no one else, and there won't ever be, even if you don't share my particular view on it, why would you look at someone else? to tease yourself? come on. to me, that is cheating. there should never be another girl on your mind or in your heart in that way. never ever. i've always felt like i was too good sometimes. like i am worldly in some ways, but not worldly at all in others. this is one of those, i'm totally not worldly things. i want a fairy tale love. i want a love that is like, "this is the girl i love. the only girl i want to see. the only girl i want to kiss or sleep with (in either way) and the only girl that catches my eye." i want that kind of a love. because that kind of love is DEEP. any other kind of love is shallow. if i'm gonna do something, i'm gonna do it right. i'm not gonna half ass it the way that i feel as though it is being done when porn and other people are brought into a relationship by either partner. and well, i'm sure you're thinking that it's not really brought into the relationship if only one person is doing it, but i mean, to do it at all is bringing it into a relationship. when you're with someone, you should never hide anything. i want a deep love. a love that people are like, damn! that's what i want. a love that everyone wants but very very few people have. i just don't feel like that's exactly what i have right now. porn is the reason. it's not that i don't have a love i'm satisfied with, because i guess if i had to make a decision about the porn, i would cope. i just feel like right now it's mediocre. it's what everyone else has. it's over and above what i've had before, but it's not really all that far ahead of anyon elses. and therefore, it's not the kind of love that is amazingly fasicinating and totally takes my breath away. it's just like, yes i love you. i show my love, it's not the kind of love that is just seeping out of every pore i have, because i feel like if i show everyone in these ways, i will look foolish. totally foolish. the reason for the foolishness is because of this... the definition of love to me is one on one. one person for one person. no one else whatsoever, ever at all.

and just one misconception most people probably have that needs to be cleared up is simply this... i am not in any way saying that i'm not in love, i'm just saying that these actions have made me rethink the kind of love that i'm in. it's also not that i am not wanting to be in my relationship, because i am. it is simply that the kind of relationship that i have is not the kind of relationship that i've always dreamed of. but... the person that i am in the relationship with, is the one person that i've always wanted to be around. i guess you learn to compromise, and well.. i suppose this is actually called settling. but everyone settles in some way. i can't believe i'm settling for settling.

oh well. later.
cmnt

[Sunday 10-8-06 10:05pm]



i am absolutely, hands down madly truly deeply head over heels and FOREVER in LOVE with this man. He is my every wish and dream. He is everything to me. 8/21/2006 was by far the best day of my life.
cmnt

[Sunday 10-8-06 8:27pm]
i got myself some new myspace friends. i am extremely happy for that. i need some people to comment cause i hate feeling like i'm expressing myself and no one cares. 

i'm bummin' cause i can't figure out how to post behind an lj cut. i used to know, but it's been while so i forgot.

despite the fight i've been so happy lately. he told me last night that he was going to take some time off of work so that we could spend a few days together ALONE. like with no interruptions or anything. just him and i.

julia and i haven't really been the greatest of friends lately. it's killing me. i think she thinks i want my boyfriend over her. it's not that, it's just that... she never has $$ to do anything and it's difficult to do nothing.

i got a coupon for free fries from mcdonalds. i love the monopoly promotion. i swear. it'll make me a fat ass before it's all said and done.

i went to ltb's today to get my last check. thank God brandon wasn't there. my check was for 45 which i was expecting less. i only worked like twenty some hours and i started claiming my tips so it shouldn't have been that high but i'm not complaining.

i need a good show to watch on tv. i'm going in search of it. have a good night everyone.
rd 4 cmnt

[Sunday 10-8-06 11:04am]
i love my boyfriend. neither of us are perfect. but i love him and he loves me... and that's wonderful :) his imperfections just paint a more beautiful picture. i can't wait for forever to start with him. he's amazing to me. he has my whole heart.

"there's no one else, i swear, holds a candle anywhere... next to you."

and i've learned...

everyone fights, but it's how you come back from those fights that really matters.
rd 2 cmnt

Non-Stop [Saturday 10-7-06 4:21am]
i have been updating this shit NON-STOP since yesterday morning. just small things have happened.

george and i talked. three times. the first time we talked he was so frustrated with me that he hung up without saying i love you, or even goodbye. the second time it was because i found his nutter butters at mac's and so i called to make sure that they were the right kind. the third time it was because the first time we talked we decided that we'd handle the situation that i was all upset about when he got out of work. needless to say, things got settled. i still don't feel any better. the whole last half of the conversation was basically like when are we going to see each other and he wouldn't give me an answer. so i hate to do this, but if he doesn't let me know in the morning when he wakes up, if i don't work sunday i'm going to the applefest with my mom and if i don't work monday... i'm sure i'll find something else to do. i'm not gonna keep my schedule open for someone who isn't jumping at the chance to hang out with me. i don't not love him... i just know how i fucked up in the past. i'm not doing it again.

ok, so i can't sleep. honestly. i think i am an insomniac. either that or my legs are just so fucked up that currently it is making it impossible to sleep.

the Tigers had an amazing victory tonight. it put me in a better mood. i love them.

julia and i went to b dubs for the first half of the game. then we went to detroit. it was so amazing down there. it was fah-reakin' G-R-R-R-EAT (aww @ the tony the TIGER quote).

while in detroit i found mitchell... which i believe is the street that my grandma haener grew up on. i wanna go down there in the daylight. it's probably not safe but i'm really interested in seeing the exact neighborhood that she grew up in. during the depression people didn't have a lot, but this neighborhood looked like it was a good one when it was around that time. i just wanna see things. i just wanna imagine what it might have been like for her there and finally be able to place all the stories i've heard about it.

i also realized while in detroit that my loft is located near a cvs and ben and jerry's. this very well could be the selling point ladies and gentlemen. honestly, i can't think of much in life that ice cream can't solve. and i can't think of much of anything that i would need RIGHT NOW that wouldn't come from cvs. i mean, nothing that would cause any HUGE emergency if i didn't get to it within like ten minutes.

i realized today while looking in the mirror that my boobs are on the inflation cycle. this makes me very happy.

as of late, i've been a mental case. 

i'm going to take the longest survey i can find, get really tired and then go to bed. if i make it through the survey and it actually gets posted here, it will probably be six in the morning. in which case i will get some mcdonalds breakfast and watch the sunrise.

i need to spend time by myself when i'm not mad at anyone. i treasure myself more than most people would know. i need to start acting like it.
cmnt

[Friday 10-6-06 8:19pm]

Let's Go Tigers! Let's Go!

I LOVE Magglio Ordonez! #30!

Home field advantage tonight. A good chance to kick some YANKEE @$$! 

Fuck yankees.

Oh and to the window licker on TV... it was the TIGERS REIGN DELAY! We're takin' it home bitch @$$!

cmnt

all i really wanted... [Friday 10-6-06 11:50am]

was to be understood. and my mom accomplished that so i think i'm feeling better than i was earlier. i was truly very upset. i needed a breather. i'm taking one. julia and i are going to the bar tonight, cause we're awesome like that. i'm gonna get decked out and go out with her. i haven't gotten decked out in awhile. i need that. but... what this is really truly about. i was in the car with my mom and i was like, george and i love each other but we're not talking for a few days. she said, why? i said well because he kind of put up a wall last night and i felt pushed away and i know that he doesn't have to spend every waking moment with me but... she cut me off. she said, "you felt like you went out on a limb for him last night and he blew you off when all you really wanted was to be hugged and consoled." and i said, "yeah mom, you're definitely right." she said to me, "i know that because i'm a girl. i also know that it's unrealistic. guys don't get mad about the same things that girls do." okay, so at least she understands me. that makes me happy.

preston is so very cute. seriously. i love him :-D! we were eating grapes and we had to pick them out of the bunch. when he was finished he was like, look grandma! i found a tree.!! 

i'm cooling down. things are getting better. we'll probably be okay. i just can't feel unappreciated and ignored like i did last night. i know that he tried to make me feel better and everything when we talked on the fone. he didn't deal with the situation the way that i wanted him to. i was already upset and then it just added to it when he didn't wanna see me. when i get mad i have impossible expectations. there is nothing that anyone can do. i'm coming down from it though. i do know that it's going to be hard to spend time with him after all of this. it's not going to be like, ok... i had my time away and now i'm ready to spend time with you. things aren't going to pick back up where they were. i'm not going to feel very comfortable spending nights there or anything. it's not just something i said out of haste. it's not something that i'm going to be rude about. i know i love him. things just aren't in the right place.

i hope julia calls me soon. i love her love her love her. we're going downtown detroit today. i wanna be there for the tigers game. i wanna party in the streets after their victory. come on guys, you know they'll win <33!

cmnt

hell froze over [Friday 10-6-06 8:09am]

damn it! i have totally rewritten this like twelve times. i'm so angry. i hate everyone and everything right now. i don't want to leave my house except for to watch the tigers and get a fifth of captain and some ice cream. i just can't stand anyone today. i thought sleeping on it would make it better. it made it worse. i have so much to do today. i don't want to spend any time with anyone, and it's  good thing i don't have to. i feel so unappreciated and unloved. i feel like i've given up so much to be who i am today, and no one see's it. george and i fought last night. he told me that he didn't want me to feel abandoned. i told him i didn't. i rethought this, and i realized i really do. i also realize that i think he should have spent more time with me last night because of how upset i was. he shouldn't have just went home and put up a wall after he watched me fight for us. he should have been like baby let's make this better. nothing is better. everything is worse. i can't believe i fought with my mom yesterday. i should never have done that. let's just say she's going to be a really happy lady. with all the feelings i feel right now, i know i can't spend any nights with him until i'm convinced he feels otherwise. i know i can't even think about moving in with him until he convinces me he felt like i fought for a worthy cause. i mean, we had agreed i would fight this out, so i did. i fought for time together, then immediately following, i felt pushed away. he's not a bad person. i'm pms-ing. it's REALLY bad this month.

another thing, i'm looking for a job in wyandotte today. or in the general vicinity. i'm sick of working at the bar in farmington hills. i will work there til i start making tips somewhere closer to home. then i'm done. i'm sick of feeling like a nasty whore everytime i go in there, although i must admit it's not as bad as i thought it was going to be, or as bad as anyone made it out to be.

the tigers play tonight. i love magglio ordonez. if he didn't have a wife, i would marry him. well, that is, if i ever met him in real life. trust me folks, this is a lot harder than it seems. but with enough hard work and determination, it can be done ;)! lol.

every fucking time george comes around, i call abby so that we can all hang out. somehow, she never answers the fone. she's not an easy person to get ahold of. i wish she was.

i got a free small mcflurry yesterday. i didn't use it. my stomach was too upset to eat ice cream. i'm using it in a few minutes.

my dad and my brothers birthday is tuesday.

my sister is continually bitching cause i owe her 50. nvm the fact that i am working my ass off to pay a cell phone bill that she doesn't give me near enough money for. thanks andrea for being so understanding.

a few songs for a moment like this:
"I Hate Everything" George Strait.
"Call Me When You're Sober" Evanescence.

i've had those songs in my head since last night. 

i haven't decided if i hate everything yet or not. but i've been honest with people when i've said that i hate like 99.9% of people and things. they don't believe me. they think it's funny. the thing is, i couldn't be more truthful when i say that. one day, they will learn.

i haven't been up this early in awhile. i think i'm gonna take advantage of it.

cmnt

Some Good Quotes I Found... [Thursday 7-27-06 12:13am]
*Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ♥ i play the same song over & over because it reminds me of you ♥ "if amazing things were easy to believe, they wouldnt require faith." *Where words fail, music speaks. *I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. *Every time you think of giving up, think of the regrets you'd have doing so. *I guess we never really moved on. I miss her. She makes the world go 'round... I've been listening to "So Far Away" and thinking of her. And the funny thing is, no one has any idea who I'm talking about. Maybe one day she'll understand how much I love her. No I'm not a lesbian. I just have a hero. And heros = love. Lots of love. I mean an immense amount of love that I can't explain. My hero is beautiful, strong and intelligent. She expects out of people nothing less than their absolute best. She will do anything for you as long as you're willing to help yourself as well. She lives to see a passion in your heart. She brightens peoples lives. She'll be a mom to everyone. She lives in my heart. "I wanted, I wanted you to stay. Cause I needed... I need to hear you sing!" *yeah, I'm well aware of that not being the actual words.* *Go with the song in your heart. <33
rd 2 cmnt

[Sunday 7-23-06 11:17pm]
All I want is a stage.
An audience to hear me play.
My vocals are my instrument
I would get so into it.
I have actions to back up all my words.
I have love to go behind everything you've heard.
Tonight I'll prove what you need to know.
I'm everything you need. I'll let it show.

*a song I'm starting to write*

Stars are fading in the night sky
Burning out like light bulbs
I'm wondering why
Everythings beauty has disappeared
When I look up and see you standing there

My heart sinks in my chest when you walk in the room
I keep hearing your voice and I don't know what to do
You took my heart then broke it apart
Walked away and let her know
That I was the one who was putting on the show

Baby, I need a man who can understand
That I love more than life and that I have a plan
If you don't love someone completely right from the start
Then you had to have time to convince your heart

So you used to be the one I'd give my life for
Give it all under oath. I promised. I swore.
I would do anything it takes to have you by my side
But you weren't worth it so I'm gonna have to let you slide.

I need a man who can appreciate me.
Understand what it takes to make me happy.
It's not a Benz or a suite in the dome.
It's the feeling I get when I know he's home.
cmnt

Quotes are IMPORTANT [Tuesday 1-31-06 7:39am]
but we could end up broken hearted
if we don’t remember
why this all started
and if they try to tell you
love fades with time,
tell them there’s no such thing as time:
its our time

‘cause these are the days worth living;
these are the years we're given
& these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget
how your voice sounds…
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by


There's a time in your life when it's now or never
The chance to be apart or the chance to see forever
And there's things that you gotta do that break your heart
But you gotta remember what you thought from the start
Why you fell in love with that boi of yours
Why you know in your heart that he's all you adore
You gotta make sacrafices and feel for change
You gotta know when to fight and when to walk away
And just say
He's the reason I'm happy today
He's the reason that the blue sky came my way
And even though we're not perfect to me...
We're everything that I ever wanted us to be.
And he breaks my heart every now and then
He tells me he loves me and then does it again
But I'm still here hangin' on
Cause I know what we have is oh so strong.
We've got it all underneath this mess
We've got a lot more heaven than we do stress
And I know that if I accept what I don't like
I won't be here cryin' alone tonight.
Life's about memories about what you make the most of
What you fold cause you can't hold and what you can't get enough of.
It's about everything that always came your way
And everything that you never could make stay
So tonight I'm promising you everything I have
All the self control that I let slip while I'm mad.
Just at the chance that in my next lifetime
You'll still be the angel that I'm holding tight.

and    remember    the    truth    that    once    was    spoken:
to love another person is to see the face of God.

Why is it that when you're little..
your parents teach you how to walk and talk
But when you're older
they tell you to sit down and shut up?

Tasha's got a room at the county shelter
The cops took her there when her mama got hauled away
Little brother and her can't even stay together
She cries each night wondering why it's gotta be this way

And she says "I wish I was anyone but me"
Yeah she'd pack her life in a heartbeat for a little change of scenery

And she keeps looking for a better place
Somewhere she can wear a smile upon her face
A home to welcome with a warm embrace
There's no way to disguise her lonely eyes
Looking for a better place

Bobby's doing time in youth detention
Pulled a switch blade knife on some boy making fun at school
And all he wanted was a little attention
And a temporary escape from the ridicule
And now he's in real deep with the freaks and the criminals
And he wonders when his time is up if he'll know himself at all

And he keeps dreaming of a better place
Somewhere he can have a little room to make mistakes
A home to help him wash the past away
Oh he don't need too much, just a little love
In a better place
In a better place

Jamie's got a room in a 3-story brick home
Daddy makes a lotta money, mama keeps her laundry clean
And she's got a $200 Abercrombie outfit on
Drives a brand new car that she got when she turned 16
Still she spends every night getting high with her so-called friends
And she's dropping hundred dollar bills on quarterbags, says she's never coming down again

And she keeps looking for a better place
Failing to realize how good she's got it made
Her loving home, she don't appreciate
Oh it's crazy but it's true, she doesn't have a clue
She's living in a better place
In a better place

In a better place
We're all lookin for a better place
cmnt

Eiyeyey [Thursday 12-1-05 1:39pm]
So today got off to a pretty bad start, but I am happy to say that it has gotten increasingly better and will hit it's greatest point when I get off work, go grocery shopping and then go straight to bed when I get home, cause I'm just that good.

Okay, so I wake up this morning at six thirty because I have to be to Best Buy by seven. Nevermind that it's like ten minutes away from my house and so I really only have twenty minutes to get ready but I'm getting ready and I go to put on my pants... and I can't find them. Well I look around for a little while and finally I find them in my bedroom floor all bunched up in a ball. So I'm like uber upset because damn it, I have to work in like five minutes. So I pick them up and make a comment to Justin, who I happen to be sharing the bathroom with, that my pants are wrinkled so he laughed at me. I had no choice but to go off on him. There wouldn't have been any appropriate response except for to stand there and shut the f*ck up, but of course, he didn't. So here I am, and it's four hours later, and I'm still angry at the way that he acted towards me. I didn't think I deserved it and I know I didn't appreciate it and it was definitely not respectful... so yeah, that's my take on the situation. So I get to work five minutes late and read the note that the shift leader wrote last night which said, Emily - There's a whole lot in the back. So PLEASE get as much out as you possibly can. I read this, and I'm like son of a bitch. No one else is tasking and so it's gonna look like I didn't really do a lot when they get here today since I'm all by myself. But I managed to get a cart out before chalk talk, and Steve said that was pretty good. He also told me again today because I guess positive reinforcement helps to get the job done that Dario was keeping Tina, Beef and I after the holiday season which is great. So ok, to further what I'm actually upset about because of course the sound of frustration in the title isn't just there for no reason, so here it is...

Okay, Justin says that he's changed a lot since we started . I do recognize some of the changes. He got rid of his and s, put his Maxim's on the top shelf of the closet in the hallway, stopped drinking SO much (maybe because we can hardly afford it anymore, maybe somehow but i'd be shocked if it actually was because of me), stopped checking out s (or at least stopped to my face), stopped caring about what I think (like i used to bitch about some stuff that I wasn't happy with, and he used to either sit me down and talk to me about it or he would just change it, but now he's like there is no discussion and I don't really give a what you think), he's started discussing his farts and other bodily functions with me, he's started eating fast food AND... he's started calling me into the bathroom when he's taking a crap. But, what he hasn't done is really honestly made a wholehearted change except for making the decision to finally love someone who loves him back. I guess the thing that I have to say is that you're judged by your actions and the company that you keep. If you walk around with a nun and a Bible all day, then people are going to guess that you're a pretty good person, if you watch people will probably associate that with you being somewhat addicted to , and if you walk around with a gun aimed at people's heads, then you're probably not a very good person, or you might just think that you have a lot of power over people. However, if you watch a movie with in it, hang out with guys that other s while they have a friend a child, listen to songs about how it couldn't possibly be your fault that you like to stare at s even though you have a friend, then that's horrible. And well I guess what I need to say is that this all relates to Justin in very real ways. He does all of this stuff and it makes me angry that he thinks that it's ok to just do this.. that he can just be like well, emily, i'm a guy and this is what guys do. I just don't get it and I don't think that it's ok. It's like there are s in this world that don't go shopping and that like football and all kinds of stuff like that. There's guys in this world that don't watch or check out s just to be respectful to their friends. There are people that really are exactly as they appear to be.

But ok, as I was talking to Justin about the problem that I have with him and realize that I'm just wasting my breath and emotions on things that will never ever change because he's stubborn and quite frankly doesn't care if I stay or go at this point. (Or maybe he does, he sends really mixed emotions, like I come home at night and he's like I love you honey and he wants to cuddle and do things, and then we fight and he's like I don't care if you leave and never come back and so it's just kind of upsetting and I don't really know what to think because he says these things) BUT, he also said in the very beginning of our relationship something that should have threw up flags the second I heard it but I kind of thought it was cute back then. He said, "I'm just an average guy who thinks the world of you." And well, if you think about it, that's cute. But there are a lot of average guys that think the world of me. And those are the guys that I don't even give a second glance to. Cause I don't give second glances to average people. Average never got people anywhere. And it's definitely not going to get anyone anywhere with me. I don't deal well with average. And I guess I'm just angry with Justin because he has to tell me that he's average and then he has to actually act it out. And well average guy means that they cheat on their friends, they're jerks, they look at other s, they watch os, they call you bad names, they make you feel insecure, they do all kinds of things, and I don't do that very well. So I think he really needs to rise above average.
rd 2 cmnt

[Monday 6-27-05 7:58am]

!!HoTT GurLz In CaNaDa!!Collapse )

rd 8 cmnt

Holy Crap! You Can't Stop the Beat is my song!!! :-D [Friday 5-27-05 8:05am]
Your Broadway theme songs by Ravenhairedmisfit
Your name
Your age
Your hometown
Your favorite drink
Your inspirational song"Any Dream Will Do"-Joesph...Dreamcoat
Your "against all odds" love song"Without You"-RENT
Your angry song"Alas for You"-Godspell
Your "who cares about life" song"Money"-CABARET
Your Song of Triumph"You Can't Stop the Beat"-Hairspray
Quiz created with MemeGen!
cmnt

Stolen from Tony! [Thursday 5-19-05 6:14pm]
01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
07. Put this in your journal.
rd 8 cmnt

Great Quotes! [Thursday 1-20-05 8:11am]
keep your face toward the sunshine and the shadows will fall behind you

people are lonely because they build walls, not bridges

Think how [different] it would be if you never met the person who changed everything

Because of you, I don’t know how to let anyone else in...

You can't help who you love. You're not supposed to.

"To be nobody-but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

A smile isn't always a sign of happiness. In fact sometimes the size of the smile is directly proportional to the amount of pain a person is trying to mask.

its not the same
when you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face
when you know you lied yourself to sleep to make it better

you guys are just one
of those couples even
when your not together
..your together
(awwww! ;))

The things that we're afraid of are gonna show us what we're made of in the end.

**Kiss me once for the good times, kiss me twice for goodbye. You can't help how you don't feel and it doesn't matter why. Give me a chance to bow out gracefully cuz that's how I want you to remember me

"It may not happen in one day, but one day it will happen." - S. Woodard

Sometimes people have to change, their lives might have to rearrange.
But the experience that will last, makes the memories of the past.

smile tommorw will be worse .. much worse :-)

Sometimes you have to hold your head up, try not to cry, and say goodbye for the last time.

Don't speak unless you can improve the silence

I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry.

No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.

Our characters aren't defined by the money or jobs we have. Not even by how well known we are. What really defines us is the love in our lives & how quickly you can rise after you have fallen

Shes been everybody else's girl. Maybe one day she'll be her own..

Its true, no matter how happy you are now, or how far away, you still dream of going back

There are men out there who have everything & give you nothing. Then there are guys out there who have close to nothing but can give you everything

I dont believe in anything, but I believe in you. I never trusted anyone, but somehow I trust you

hold on to who you love...
stay true to what you kno
take everything you dream of and
. n . e . v . e . r .
l e t i t g o

the best feeling in the world
is doing something someone
said you ( ( c ø u l d n . t ) )

´[ tOo oFten we dOn`t reaLiiSz what ]`
´[ we have untiLL iit`Sz » g.O.n.3 « .. ]`
´[ tOo ofTen we waiit tOo laTe to sai ]`
´[ "srri ii was wrOnq" sOmetiiM`Sz it]`
´[ seem`Sz we hurt tha One`Sz we ]`
´[ hoLd *deaResT* tO Our heart`Sz. ]`
´[ `nD we aLLow fooliiSh thinq`s tO ]`
´[ º t-e-a-rº Our liive`Sz a-p-a-r-t ]`
´[ far tOo manii tiiMe`Sz we let tha*]`
´[ »_ unimpOrtant _« thinq`Sz intO ]`
´[ mind `nD then iit`sz .uSually. ]`
´[ '.. tOo laTe ..' tOo see what rele... ]`
´[ ¯`'-» made us -bLiind -. . . . . ]`

>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<
[xox] -----Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place-----[ [xox]
[xox[-------Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace-------- [xox]
[xox--------Suddenly my life dOesn't seem Such A waste----- [xox]
[xox---------------------It all revolves around you-------------------- [xox]
[xox] ---------------And there's no mountain too high--------------- [xox]
[xox] --------------------------No river too wide-------------------------- [xox]
[xox] -----Sing Out this song and I'll be there by your side------ [xox]
[xox] ---------------------Storm clOuds may gather------------------- [xox]
[xox] ---------------------And storms may collide---------------------- [xox]
[xox] ---------------But I love you until the end of time--------------- [xox]

>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<
rd 3 cmnt

[Wednesday 1-19-05 7:48pm]
So yeah, you know how when you're little you think of adults as perfect people, like they've never done anything wrong? And then once you start growing up you start hearing more and more stories about when people were younger? Ok, so my uncle Greg, perfect man in my eyes, used to sniff tractor gas? Hmmm... yeah. Or like someone that most of you know (not mentioning any names)that has helped me do a complete 180 with my life and turned me away from drugs and alcohol, used to drink smoke ciggarettes and i'd assume weed and listen to KISS. It's like when you hear these stories your jaw drops and you are instantly shocked. I know I was. And like how my uncle used to be in a motorcycle gang but now he's the one pressuring me to go to college? The list goes on and on.. but like, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that a lot of the time, people are more than you think.
rd 4 cmnt

[Tuesday 1-18-05 8:36pm]
Sittin' in traffic, another day of feelin' nothin',
Trying to find somethin', I guess it's back to huffin'
paint and model glue, oh how I die when I look
at you smilin', lovin' life and all I know is blue,
rainy days and cold stares, broken love affairs,
Everything's beautiful as long as I ain't there,
I guess I wasn't meant to crack a smile, who cares,
I think I'll go to sleep for a while...

I'm barely livin' in my skin, depression's my only friend
and I don't know where I am headin', tryin' to forget where I've been,
And I'm so sick of lyin', God please show me that silver linin'
'cuz I've heard tale, and I'm not well, my head's full of hell and this world's a jail, but...

(Chorus 2x)
And it don't matter and I don't care,
I let my pain into the air,
'Cuz everything good's over there
and everything here's hard to bear...

And as the pain begins to displace, had it to ear level with this place,
You see it on my face a state of suspended grace,
Gradually I erase and find comfort in the sickest womb,
I might be present but not in the room,
To who it may consume, melting ensembles bleeding Chellos
running through Bordello's drama, like Othello hidin' out from Poncharello,
Dead off in the median, fallin' apart like usual, handin' out flyers to my funeral...

So they say life's a play and that all the world's a stage
and for another part I pray, the show ends the same way everyday,
And my heart carries the pain, of a brain I can't explain,
Am I insane, am I insane...

(Chorus 2x)

And everything good is gone,
And everything good is gone,
And everything good is gone,
And everything bad is here,
And everything bad is here,
And everything bad is here,
It doesn't really matter now does it...

(Chorus 2x)

Yeah, everything's so hard to bear,
Everything here's hard to bear,
and everything here's hard to bear
and everything here's hard to bear...

cmnt

[Tuesday 1-18-05 8:23pm]
Ok, I just wanted to say... sometimes you get soo wrapped into something you're not and you get soo wrapped into what other people are telling you that you forget who you are. Well, I learned a lot today. I always thought that I had grown apart from my best friends and changed drastically from who I used to be. But well, I realized that I'm not any different from who I used to be. I still have the same heart, I still believe that the rest of the world is a certain way and that's the only way that it can be. I'm not in touch with reality and I don't want to be. I kind of thought that I was over the whole choir and band thing and that I was hanging onto my friends for the memories. I'm not and Donette helped me realize that. I haven't talked to her in forever and well, she pulled through for me today. Everything she said made sense and she made my day so much easier. It was like she personally took a ton of bricks off my shoulder. So thanx hon, I love ya!
rd 3 cmnt

Job Searching. [Tuesday 1-11-05 8:15am]
Sorry I haven't updated lately. I always spend weekends with Justin (it's just something that happens) and I was job searching all day yesterday so I wasn't really around. But, I found out that I'm probably going to get hired @ Subway in Wyandotte. I'm excited for it because it's the hours like I got at Weathervane, but it's A LOT closer to home, I make more money and everyone needs to eat, so I'll pretty much always have hours as long as I do a decent job. However, I'm still going out job hunting today.

Thursday and Friday nights I went clubbing. Thursday I went to the Magic Stick and Friday I went to Tiki Bob's Cantina. It was my first time clubbing and I had a good time. I found it's better to go with my girls than Justin because Justin and I always end up fighting. Thursday night we didn't really dance. We just got beer but the beer was soo nasty so I didn't drink any. I probably wouldn't have anyway, I was driving, but I wasn't really tempted by it, so that's a good thing. After we left the club we took this guy that lived in Ann Arbor home and then spent the night out there because I was too tired to drive back. Then Friday night, I was on my way out to Justin's and he called me and asked if I wanted to go to Tiki Bob's. Of course I said I'd go. So I got to his house and we ate the dinner I made him and then we went to the club. We were having a good time until I saw him check out a few girls and I was soo upset. And I gave him a look but I wasn't going to bitch him out. I figured there was no reason for that. But he came over and told me that he didn't check anyone out and he doesn't know why I would think that he did. I told him that I saw it with my own two eyes, but he continuously denied it. So I was like, look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't check out or look at any girls. He goes, well I looked at some of them. I'm like, oh really? You did? Because you just told me you didn't. And he was like well, look around the room. Ok, you just looked at guys. I'm like, no. I see guys. There's a big difference between looking at a girl for more than a split second and just glancing at them from across the room while you look at someone else. So I continuously bitched at him because I knew he knew what I was talking about. He kept trying to smooth things over and I kept bitching. Then he told me it was just because I wanted all the girls there to think he was an asshole so they wouldn't want anything to do with him. No, that wasn't it. I thought that he was being an asshole. and I told him straight up, "I'm lit and I don't care what no one thinks..." So eventually we ended up not fighting anymore (probably after I spent like an hour and a half talking to Dillard, which, OMGoodness... I love him :-D) and we danced. We left @ 11 though because he had to work early on Saturday and he was pretty well under the influence.

The rest of Saturday we spent @ the laundromat, playing games, watching movies and trying to back his truck out of the driveway (I was the one putting forth all the effort while he stood inside and laughed at me) before we went to the bowling alley to karaoke with Dawn and Reggie. They wouldn't let me in the lounge where the karaoke was going on though cause I wasn't 21 so we had to leave :( That sux cause I missed them.

Then on Sunday we had a pretty good day. Days always start out good when I get McDonalds breakfasts'. We ended up having some big people conversations (about guy stuff) and well, I took it really good. I mean, I know things like this aren't going on in his life that much anymore so I'm ok with it. And well, I won't hate him over things that haven't happened yet.

Anyway, it's early... and I'm going back to bed.

*Love - Emma Grace

P.S. Nick (the love of my life, or well... former) might be getting a job with me at Subway. LOL. Justin will be so happy :)
rd 1 cmnt

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]